Home Away From Home: Setting up a Home

I am the new employee whose parents dropped her off on her first day of work and even had a word with her reporting manager about the company and its business. I am the new employee whose mom told her boss and I quote “I am leaving her under your care now.”

Is there any reason for my brain not to face palm at this? 

Now, I am not the type who throws a fit at being escorted by my parents to school, college, first day of my internship and now my first day of work. Who cares? As long as they are not pinning a handkerchief to my pinafore, making my shoes shine so well that the water bottle hanging on my neck gets reflected in it and adjusting my Spiderman back pack, I am cool with it! But even to my ears, the ‘care of’ to my boss sounded something an emotional, drama loving mom would say.

After such a delightful, eyeball catching entry on my first day of work, wherein I was happily six hours late (or as my friend says "Pehle din pe aukaat dikha diya tune"), my parents, with me in tow, went apartment hunting. After having endured the relentless, ear drum bursting, lung cancer giving effects of the cities of Bombay and Thane, Bangalore, in my head, looked like that beautiful, perfect cousin whom your mom always looks at with admiration and then gives you that look which silently screams “Meh!”

Independent houses dotting the streets and very few apartment buildings is something I may never get used to. Apartments/ flats make good economic sense. More human dwellings in comparatively less space. Cattle class all the way! Just give your monthly maintenance cheque and your utilities are magically taken care of. Independent house owners seem to love running from pillar to post to get stuff done. Jolly! 

Another weird notion that I find unsettling is the friendliness in a neighbourhood. Something that goes against my every sense of being. The concept I am totally alien to. Back home, we would barely acknowledge a neighbour with a smile despite living in the same building, on the same floor for eight odd years. If you come across a person from your building, you avoid eye contact, appear to be busy on your phone (while you and I both know that you are randomly scrolling through your Whatsapp list, judging your friends' display pictures) and try to scurry away before having to forcefully act civil with them. Once that catastrophe has passed you coochikoo with a cute stray and try to communicate with him/ her in Dog. And philosophers say humans don't make sense. Pch!

The concept of paying guest accommodation here, like everything else, is commercialized. They call a broom cupboard a bedroom. Bombay townies will vouch for this- a town area servant quarter is more spacious and cozy than the PG accommodation here. You get a cot with a thin mattress, used bed sheet, a thin pillow (hopefully the past user didn't have dandruff/ lies) and voila! You have what they call a living space. I suppose the broom cupboard bedroom is supposed to give you an idea of the worst case scenario- if you take wrong decisions, you may end up in jail, and this is how jails are. LOL. Just kidding. You may be slightly more comfortable behind bars.

We will make the bedroom look as shabby and unwelcoming as possible that you will not even think of entertaining "guests" here. 

The best part of so called accommodations are the deadlines. Some of them had deadlines of 9:30 pm. Essentially, I'll be paying them to run my life while I enjoy their complimentary jail food. And I will be calling this my home. One PG for women went a step further and added a note on their main gate which read "Ladies who are late will be allowed entry only if they are dropped off in a company car." Because we don't use cabs or rickshaws or have colleagues/ friends drop us off in their vehicle when we are running late. That just sends a wrong message. Besides, if women come home late in non-company cars, they have no morals. So, don't allow them entry and keep them standing outside in the oh-so-safe-in-the-middle-of-the-night environment. Makes sense, no?

By Facebook's grace, we found comparatively normal landlords (not a PG), liked what they offered and took it. 

Now, love your mom to infinity because she will not judge when you are standing in the supermarket, looking like a fool and not having an inkling as to what all you need to set yourself up in a new place. While you stand there dumbstruck and completely useless, be assured that she'll pull out a nice shopping list and start ticking things off. Something which makes you go "Oh shit! This is how things magically appeared back home?" 

Eventually, in your temporary home you realize that the maid is only going to wash your clothes and hang them to dry. The dry-clothes-fairy is not going to get them back from the balcony. Oh, your wardrobe is not sprinkled with fairy dust to arrange itself properly.

When you live with housemates, there are adjustments that will be demanded. For example, you need to be totally okay with a stranger's lingerie drying in the balcony right beside yours, have a shoe lying around in the kitchen, loud noises around the house that make you think "What is that noise? What can possibly make all that noise?", a stranger running around the house wearing a helmet and by far the worst- looking at the aforementioned strangers in their night clothes. That is one moment where I feel like clicking their picture and sending them to my mom saying "Here's proof that people dress way worse than I do when home. You cannot say that I dress like an urchin at home."

The household will generally be either all male or all female. Never a mix of the two. Additionally, one more unspoken rule is "no opposite sex in the house" which feels like going back to school- "Girls and boys should not talk or mingle. Girls and boys should not sit together. The best punishment is making the child sit in between two children of the opposite sex."For the overtly adventurous kind, this may be your chance to break the rules, live life on the wilder side, play sneakoscope games and what have you!

All in all, living alone, especially for the first time, is never foolproof. Be your dumbest, lose your ego, venture into everything without any expectations, be safe and you will come out of this bruised and slightly less foolish. Maybe.

Home Away from Home

From being a girl of 10 or 11 whose parents used the "I'll make you live in a hostel" threat to reprimand her to being a girl of 15 or 16 who wanted to live in a hostel (which rebellious teen doesn't?) to a grown up (maturity is questionable) of 23 who is finally moving out of her parents' chatrachaya (as my friend so eloquently put it) (meaning protection or shelter).

It has been a roller coaster of decisions, reality checks, permissions and emotions.

This Bombay Bumpkin is making her way to another city.

I will be writing about:

1. How not to screw up when you ain't with mommy and daddy 
2. How to grow up (haha)
3. How to cook maggi 
4. How to make sure you don't screw up so bad that your parents pester you to "come back home for good" before you are ready
5. Other misc items related to"Just how not to screw up"

The fact that I don't know what is in store for me gets me scared, excited and uncertain all at once.

I hope to document it all. Maybe it will help someone somewhere sometime; just maybe.

Senitmental Fragility

This made me wonder. To give you an idea:

 Are your `Hindu' sentiments hurt by Aamir Khan's take on godmen and gods in the new Bollywood movie PK? Or by Ram Gopal Varma's queries regarding Lord Ganesha? Don't worry, the Hindu Legal Cell will address your concerns. Launched six months ago by more than 100 lawyers across India, this organisation will tackle any perceived insults against the faith, besides fighting for “Hindu human rights“.

Initially, I was in denial. Then I tried to make sense of it. I seem to have failed. 

The article in the Economic Times goes on to state the following:

“Our religion is under threat, and in India, in the name of secularism, everyone wants to protect other religions, except Hinduism,“ said Prashant Patel, a 27-year-old graduate in management and law from Delhi who's the organisation's secretary. “In India, there are some people who talk against Indian culture and get away in the name of free speech,“ he said. “But free speech should be used to talk good things and not hurt others' sentiments,“ Patel said.

Note how there is a mention of free speech. How poignantly put!

After successfully tackling trivial economic issues like poverty, corruption, illiteracy, women's safety, hunger, housing, infrastructure, water, other environmental issues, et cetera we finally seem to have taken a turn for the better. Focus on greater development and make India an economic power. Focus on protection and development of religion and take legal action against people talking smack about Indian culture, Hinduism,  and the so-called force fed faith in Gods and Godmen.

Shame on Indians. Talking about the Indian culture in myriad ways and destroying its sanctity. You have a differing opinion? How dare you? Did you not know that there is no room for independent thought?

Shame on Indians. Making movies like PK & OMG. Is it so difficult to produce item numbers and mindless Bollywood masala movies? That is what Indian culture is all about.

Shame on Indians. Watching, liking and enjoying movies like PK & OMG. What audacity! Who said your choice even mattered? It is an Indian family's birthright where everyone from grandparents to infants enjoy Munni & Sheela.

Shame on Indians. Voicing their opinions against Gods and their men. Follow them. Blindly. Now.

Shame on Indians. Using their fundamental rights in such blatantly normal ways. You live in a democracy. You have free speech. It doesn't mean you can stand against what is considered 'acceptable behaviour'.

No, no. We need to put an end to this. We need to stop this apocalypse before it takes over the country. We need to stop people from having a rational and logical thought process. They need to adhere to norms. How hard is it, really? We have been doing it for generations. We can do it for generations more!

Ram Puniyani, a leading political commentator and member of the All India Secular Forum, finds the emergence of organisations such as the Hindu Legal Cell a worrying trend amid the coming to power of the BJP-led Narendra Modi government. “This lawyers' organisation is a step in the same direction--to harass those opposing blind faith. Those promoting rational thought will be targeted and this will subtly promote Hindu religiosity.“

Rational thought? Hahaha. Even our education system doesn't have any room for this. Why should religion?

The next step for the organisation will be to expand its base in other parts of India and encourage people to file cases against any issue that impacts them.

Industrial development? Development of the service sector? B*tch, please!

On a serious note, instead of focussing on Modi's Japan model for development of the nation, we seem to be on the path to recreating a certain East Asian country's ruthless dictatorship.

I am interested in what you have to say. Leave a comment below or e-mail me.

You may find the article here: http://epaperbeta.timesofindia.com/Article.aspx?eid=31818&articlexml=After-Ghar-Wapsi-a-Ghar-to-Protect-Hindu-29122014001078

The Mills & Boons Reverie

I read my first Mills & Boons when I was sitting jobless at a client's place (audit is by far the most boring field of work) and I asked a friend to forward me an e-book. Till date I've read about 10-15 Mills & Boons books (yes, I know, I know), here's what all of them are about:

1.    Tall, dark and handsome men: Yes, the ones that don't exist. Okay, fine. They do exist. But, they’re already taken. They do not exist for us mere mortals. And here in India, we mostly find short, stout, dark and not handsome men who leer at us. Mostly. Oh, well.

2.    Well built men vs. tiny and frail girl: I am neither tiny nor frail. I can kick some serious ass! And, well built? Bitch, please! Why do you think the terms "paunch" and "beer belly" exist? Fairy tale portrayal, WHY!?

3.    Very big man: I need to add a *nudge nudge wink wink* here. You know. The girl has never seen such a huge man. Then again, her fear is replaced by how turned on she is and at the end of the day, they fit perfectly well. You know. Yeah, okay.

4.   Stone wall, zero EQ: The male protagonist is always surrounded by a stone wall, emotionally. He has had some bad experience or the other as a child that has left him emotionally stunted. He has built a strong wall around his emotions and feelings, never lets them show and yes, the female protagonist breaks the wall and he gets all mushy, emotional and gets in touch with his feelings. The man will always, always be beautiful, rough and broken. We aren't talking about broken shards of Venetian glass. No. The woman will fix him (it seems to be her single motive). Wouldn’t going to a shrink be easier? Think about it.

5.   Growl, growl, ROAR: Whenever the guy is turned on, he growls. I am not joking! I have noticed this in every sex scene that was elucidated. Sorry, how tactless of me. Love making scenes. The woman sucks in her breath, he growls. The woman moans, he growls. The woman smiles, he growls. The woman hugs him, he growls. A trip to the zoo would be easier!

6.    Damsel-in-distress and knight-in-shining-armour syndrome: Yes. She is always in need of help. Yes, he is always there to save her. They fall in love and have a happily ever after. Don't we all? It must be so difficult to come up with a plot line showing exactly that. No more, no less.
Oh, a few more pointers for the perfectly concocted M&B- the damsel is usually in financial distress. The only solution? Marriage; A loveless marriage. Duh! Guy demands sex. Girl refuses. Girl falls for his undeniably sexy charms. *Gasp* Guy has amazing control over his sexual appetite and restraint (because, obviously, the girl said no and he should honour her wishes, duh). They end up having sex anyway because they are beautiful, hot, sexy people and what do two beautiful, hot and sexy people do? Yep.

7.   Wealthy magnate: The male protagonist is never a-struggling-anything. He used to be. Not anymore. He only struggles with his non-existent EQ. He is always a wealthy magnate, has more money than well, a lot of money, has real estate all over the world, has an amazing business, is always in the middle of some business negotiation or the other, is always ruthless in those negotiations (the girl injects some emotions here to balance out the ruthlessness; and because she has to do something other than sit pretty all the time) and is just the perfectly tactless multi-millionaire.

8.   Marriage and kids: So, the guy is emotionally stunted. The girl fixes him. He wants to marry her. He wants her to have several of his children. Several. Girl is shocked to her wits that he is willing to commit. And kids? Several of them? $%%&%&, sure! It is not like the girl gets annoyed with the "several" part because she has to pop them out. They get married. Girl with a shy smile tells him “I’m glad you are talking about babies; I am pregnant!”
Because every girl's reaction, once she knows she's pregnant is unbelievable happiness coursing through her veins. And of course the guy is super duper happy that his girl's knocked up because his legacy will remain. I mean, come on, did you honestly expect anything less? People don't just freak out and try to run away from reality, especially when it is pregnancy. That has mediocrity written all over it!

Mills & Boons 101.
You are most welcome! 

The Arranged Marriage Saga: The Checklist

My friend who is on a groom hunt showed me her very short checklist:

1. Good looking
2. Rich
3. Good personality (optional; she intends to customize him)

My checklist want-list:

Dear future boyfriend/lover/husband/partner,

1. I don't care about your level of qualification
   I just want you to be an asset to society
2. I don't care about the kind of money you make
   I just want you to take good care of your family (parents & siblings)
3. I don't care if you are fat or skinny
   I just don't want you to eat/ starve yourself to an early grave
4. I don't care if you drink
   I just don't want you to drink yourself to an early death
5. I don't care if you smoke
   I just don't want you to be anywhere near me with your smoker's breath
   Also, don't die early because of your smoking habit
6. I don't care that you have a past
   I just want you to acknowledge it and be honest about it
7. I don't care that you have an accent
   I just need you to have good English vocabulary and grammar 
8. I don't care if you have a porn collection or look at other women
   If you stare at them and make them uncomfortable,
   be rest assured, I will make your life hell
   There are enough creeps out there making our skin crawl
   We don't need another one
   Needless to add, you'll be left then and there
9. I don't care if you are a feminist or any '-ist' at all
   You will treat me as an equal
   I will also be contributing financially to the household
   And you will be okay with it
10. I don't care if it makes you feel less manly
    You will be doing chores around the house 
11. Most importantly

• I don't care what you think
  But I'll always love my dad more than I love you
  He is the only man I have fallen for with no conditions attached
• I don't care what you think
  But to me, my mom was, is and will always be the greatest woman to have inhabited Planet Earth
• I don't care what you think
  But my sibling is my first and only baby, always has been, always will be

How many prospective grooms do we have left for me? None, you say?

The Arranged Marriage Saga: Overhear-ment

You realize that you are having an out of body experience when overhear your mom speaking to a relative about your horoscope. And then, you hear only snippets of what mom is saying over the phone, which sound vaguely like this:

1. A lot of agreement interjected with "aha!", "oho!", "accha!", "okay!", "yes, yes!", "aamaam" (Tamil for 'yes')

2. She is 23 now.

3. When? 2015 aa? If not 2015 then when? 3years later? That's too late!

4. Yes, she wants to study further, so we are thinking of someone in the US.

5. Yes, we are coming down south in x month, this year.

6. Why don't you ask ABC Mama to do some introductions? I don't want her to get annoyed, though. Just tell him to do everything subtly.

The moment you hear all that, you feel like doing an epic facepalm and want to move away from everything.

The fact that you are 23 is of great consequence to everyone but you. While your parents are more interested in negotiating a life partner for you, here you are, giving your exams and awaiting the next party with your friends. And the fact that you still laugh at fart jokes puts on display the mental and emotional maturity of a five year old. Maybe even that five year old is more mature? Possibly. 

Anyway, it takes a lot of time for the fact to sink in. It has been 48 hours since the trauma and it still hasn't hit home.

Now, I wonder what is going to happen on our trip down south. Stay tuned!

*I think the tags on this post will sum up my emotions right now*

The Arranged Marriage Saga: Titbits

We have this "awesome" concept of arranged marriage in India. People don't just ask you whether you are married. They go a step further and ask whether it was a love marriage or was it arranged. The only difference being you select the partner who will screw your life over in the former case and in the latter case, your parents do it for you. Thank them well.

In a regular middle class Indian family, when the girl reaches "marriageable" age, say, 22-23, the questions automatically take a different turn. Earlier, until say 20-21 years of age, the statements/ questions were something like this:

1. What do you study?

2. What is your area of interest?

3. What do you want to do in the future?

4. Be happy, healthy, study well, get a good job and then we'll take care of everything (when you touch the oldies' feet for their alleged blessings)

As you turn 23, these are the statements/ questions you get:

1. How old are you?

2. How much have you studied?

3. Jathakam edutacha? (Is your jathakam out?)

4. Are your parents looking for you? (Mind you, this ain't a game of Hide n Seek. People ask whether groom hunting by your parents is going on?)

5. What's your salary? (God forbid you have a job)

6. You are so tiny, how will you have children?

See the difference? When you are a "kid", the statements and questions are basically education and career related and peppered with "We'll take care of everything after your education and job." Once you turn 23, career takes a backseat, marriage is all it is about!

Somehow, the oldies managed to find their partner and think it is their birthright to find me one! Also, apparently, my uterus is under their dictatorship.

Anyhoo, The Arranged Marriage Saga will take you through my what-should-be-forbidden journey of arranged marriage (if it does happen). I try to find humour in anything and everything. Hopefully this doesn't get overbearing and tiring.