The Mills & Boons Reverie

I read my first Mills & Boons when I was sitting jobless at a client's place (audit is by far the most boring field of work) and I asked a friend to forward me an e-book. Till date I've read about 10-15 Mills & Boons books (yes, I know, I know), here's what all of them are about:

1.    Tall, dark and handsome men: Yes, the ones that don't exist. Okay, fine. They do exist. But, they’re already taken. They do not exist for us mere mortals. And here in India, we mostly find short, stout, dark and not handsome men who leer at us. Mostly. Oh, well.

2.    Well built men vs. tiny and frail girl: I am neither tiny nor frail. I can kick some serious ass! And, well built? Bitch, please! Why do you think the terms "paunch" and "beer belly" exist? Fairy tale portrayal, WHY!?

3.    Very big man: I need to add a *nudge nudge wink wink* here. You know. The girl has never seen such a huge man. Then again, her fear is replaced by how turned on she is and at the end of the day, they fit perfectly well. You know. Yeah, okay.

4.   Stone wall, zero EQ: The male protagonist is always surrounded by a stone wall, emotionally. He has had some bad experience or the other as a child that has left him emotionally stunted. He has built a strong wall around his emotions and feelings, never lets them show and yes, the female protagonist breaks the wall and he gets all mushy, emotional and gets in touch with his feelings. The man will always, always be beautiful, rough and broken. We aren't talking about broken shards of Venetian glass. No. The woman will fix him (it seems to be her single motive). Wouldn’t going to a shrink be easier? Think about it.

5.   Growl, growl, ROAR: Whenever the guy is turned on, he growls. I am not joking! I have noticed this in every sex scene that was elucidated. Sorry, how tactless of me. Love making scenes. The woman sucks in her breath, he growls. The woman moans, he growls. The woman smiles, he growls. The woman hugs him, he growls. A trip to the zoo would be easier!

6.    Damsel-in-distress and knight-in-shining-armour syndrome: Yes. She is always in need of help. Yes, he is always there to save her. They fall in love and have a happily ever after. Don't we all? It must be so difficult to come up with a plot line showing exactly that. No more, no less.
Oh, a few more pointers for the perfectly concocted M&B- the damsel is usually in financial distress. The only solution? Marriage; A loveless marriage. Duh! Guy demands sex. Girl refuses. Girl falls for his undeniably sexy charms. *Gasp* Guy has amazing control over his sexual appetite and restraint (because, obviously, the girl said no and he should honour her wishes, duh). They end up having sex anyway because they are beautiful, hot, sexy people and what do two beautiful, hot and sexy people do? Yep.

7.   Wealthy magnate: The male protagonist is never a-struggling-anything. He used to be. Not anymore. He only struggles with his non-existent EQ. He is always a wealthy magnate, has more money than well, a lot of money, has real estate all over the world, has an amazing business, is always in the middle of some business negotiation or the other, is always ruthless in those negotiations (the girl injects some emotions here to balance out the ruthlessness; and because she has to do something other than sit pretty all the time) and is just the perfectly tactless multi-millionaire.

8.   Marriage and kids: So, the guy is emotionally stunted. The girl fixes him. He wants to marry her. He wants her to have several of his children. Several. Girl is shocked to her wits that he is willing to commit. And kids? Several of them? $%%&%&, sure! It is not like the girl gets annoyed with the "several" part because she has to pop them out. They get married. Girl with a shy smile tells him “I’m glad you are talking about babies; I am pregnant!”
Because every girl's reaction, once she knows she's pregnant is unbelievable happiness coursing through her veins. And of course the guy is super duper happy that his girl's knocked up because his legacy will remain. I mean, come on, did you honestly expect anything less? People don't just freak out and try to run away from reality, especially when it is pregnancy. That has mediocrity written all over it!

Mills & Boons 101.
You are most welcome!